My life in perspective

I'm sitting here thinking about why I exist. Do I exist to become independent? Is the journey of "making my mark on the world" about how financially successful I become? How comfortable I can make my time? If so, then what? I die, who cares? Billions of cycles like this repeat.

No, I have learned and been convinced of the reason I was created. God created me for his pleasure. To enter into a relationship with me. And since his perfect creation has been tainted by sin, He has set himself on a mission to redeem all that is broken, wrong, painful, and unfulfilled. And He has created me to be apart of this redemption. He can take the brokenness, pain, and wrong things in me and in my life and bring himself glory (cause more people to turn to him and see and embrace his power in there own lives).

I can't satisfyingly answer the tough questions: why does God not interfere and stop injustice and pain? Babies being beaten to death, millions of people starving to death each day, sexual, verbal, and physical abuse... unborn children dying in the womb... I know that it is God in me that breaks my heart over these things. And if it were up to me it would be a whole lot easier to skip the pain and hurt part and restore everything and everyone to its perfect state. But its not up to me.

In studying James lately this verse kidnapped my mind. James 1:2-4"Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything."

I have been convinced that this is the verse for this season of our life. I actually had it on my mind early in the the process (the first week Josiah was jobless). But its not until recently that I have really accepted it. Its been consoling me. I have been telling myself, and others this for quite some time. But not until the news of losing my second baby have I really felt the fullness in my life by God's intentional carving of my character to be "ready for anything".

I have my moments of grieving the loss of another little body to hold, nurse, cherish. But mostly this time all I see is God, who knows what I can handle (and it is much more than I would have guessed)and he is choosing to make my endurance strong. And contrary to my status a week and half ago, I am not raging with anger over the "whys" and "how could yous". I actually have been thinking more along the lines of "so what else do you have planned for us? What hardship in the future are you preparing me for? For what circumstances will I need this strong character with fully developed endurance?", and getting to know this God that is so personal and compassionate and full of grace with me. My whole being has been responding in the face of these questions with "Bring it on!"

That seems crazy huh? Bring on the suffering. Bring on whatever you desire for your purposes. I know I exist only for your Glory. To help your creation come to you and be redeemed, fulfilled, and used in the same way you beckoned me and set me on a path.

If that's what I have been created for, then THAT is what I want to be used for. I am tired of being distracted by materialism, caught up in the standard of pleasure and comfort. I want to be effective, not pulled away by the the things that close me into a self indulgent world. And it happens so easily.

A friend recently sent me a list based on scripture of why we have trials. One was Trials bring sin out in our lives. At first it struck me and rubbed me wrong. Then I though about it. Being broke and having to rely on other people just to buy groceries and pay the rent has been humbling. I'm seeing my pride. Each time someone hands me a check, it hasn't gotten any easier to accept. I worry that people are thinking that we expect them to give to us. I am so wrapped up in my ego sometimes. Who cares what people think? God is using others to show his faithfulness to us, and he is also working in them through there path to decide to give.

Another sin area that Josiah and I have talked about a lot is how we feel our life is on pause, and we just can't wait for it to start. As if an abundant life with Jesus Christ first needs the foundation of us being able to provide for ourselves a financially comfortable life. Then we can go from there. Being broke has shone me my criteria for happiness. "As soon as Josiah has a job, we pay all these people back that we owe, pay our own bills, and continue pursuing the comfort and pleasures that were on our list before all this happened." If that doesn't show the idols in my life I don't know what does.

Even after my eyes were opened to this sin in my life, I still couldn't let go of it. In fact, I just took a break in typing this to talk with Josiah and found myself in tears over our inability to get some things to make our place look better. "If we could just get this and this and this, it would be more organized, it would look more appealing, I would be more motivated because I am happy with my surroundings." Once again I am adding conditions to my happiness.

Our circumstances might make the suffering list by average American standards. But it definitely doesn't by the worlds standards. The other night Josiah and I were talking and he felt like this was just the beginning. The cost in our lives for following Jesus was only going to rise. That is what our endurance is being strengthened for. Although I have had this conclusion recently myself, fear welled up inside me because he confirmed it. And in that moment I wanted to run from my future. What is the cost going to be? losing more children? losing Josiah? I was feeling weak.

But my heart couldn't choose anything else. What a waste of time to choose the life that serves my desire for comfort and pleasure. Philippians 1:29 " For you have been given not only the privilege in trusting in Christ, but also the privilege of suffering for him." Privilege. This is not the picture that the American church paints of a walk with Christ. You pray this prayer, and read your bible. And you will be fulfilled. Which you will, but how are we equipping believers for the "privilege of suffering" for Christ and playing a significant role in his Kingdom, if we gloss over the suffering. The reality of the suffering. That God wont spare you from it. That you will have the temptation to give up, the pain, and all that goes with.

What if my life is not on pause? What if this is the beginning of the rest of my life? The path that God has chosen for me?

Those are the questions that I am being forced to come to grips with. Can I learn through my current circumstances to hold onto these opportunities for joy? I must resume my growth and motivation to push on, because my life was never paused, only my happiness. Because all the things it was built on came crashing down. And God is rebuilding my foundation to be rock solid in HIM and HIS purposes, not mine.