My life in perspective

I'm sitting here thinking about why I exist. Do I exist to become independent? Is the journey of "making my mark on the world" about how financially successful I become? How comfortable I can make my time? If so, then what? I die, who cares? Billions of cycles like this repeat.

No, I have learned and been convinced of the reason I was created. God created me for his pleasure. To enter into a relationship with me. And since his perfect creation has been tainted by sin, He has set himself on a mission to redeem all that is broken, wrong, painful, and unfulfilled. And He has created me to be apart of this redemption. He can take the brokenness, pain, and wrong things in me and in my life and bring himself glory (cause more people to turn to him and see and embrace his power in there own lives).

I can't satisfyingly answer the tough questions: why does God not interfere and stop injustice and pain? Babies being beaten to death, millions of people starving to death each day, sexual, verbal, and physical abuse... unborn children dying in the womb... I know that it is God in me that breaks my heart over these things. And if it were up to me it would be a whole lot easier to skip the pain and hurt part and restore everything and everyone to its perfect state. But its not up to me.

In studying James lately this verse kidnapped my mind. James 1:2-4"Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything."

I have been convinced that this is the verse for this season of our life. I actually had it on my mind early in the the process (the first week Josiah was jobless). But its not until recently that I have really accepted it. Its been consoling me. I have been telling myself, and others this for quite some time. But not until the news of losing my second baby have I really felt the fullness in my life by God's intentional carving of my character to be "ready for anything".

I have my moments of grieving the loss of another little body to hold, nurse, cherish. But mostly this time all I see is God, who knows what I can handle (and it is much more than I would have guessed)and he is choosing to make my endurance strong. And contrary to my status a week and half ago, I am not raging with anger over the "whys" and "how could yous". I actually have been thinking more along the lines of "so what else do you have planned for us? What hardship in the future are you preparing me for? For what circumstances will I need this strong character with fully developed endurance?", and getting to know this God that is so personal and compassionate and full of grace with me. My whole being has been responding in the face of these questions with "Bring it on!"

That seems crazy huh? Bring on the suffering. Bring on whatever you desire for your purposes. I know I exist only for your Glory. To help your creation come to you and be redeemed, fulfilled, and used in the same way you beckoned me and set me on a path.

If that's what I have been created for, then THAT is what I want to be used for. I am tired of being distracted by materialism, caught up in the standard of pleasure and comfort. I want to be effective, not pulled away by the the things that close me into a self indulgent world. And it happens so easily.

A friend recently sent me a list based on scripture of why we have trials. One was Trials bring sin out in our lives. At first it struck me and rubbed me wrong. Then I though about it. Being broke and having to rely on other people just to buy groceries and pay the rent has been humbling. I'm seeing my pride. Each time someone hands me a check, it hasn't gotten any easier to accept. I worry that people are thinking that we expect them to give to us. I am so wrapped up in my ego sometimes. Who cares what people think? God is using others to show his faithfulness to us, and he is also working in them through there path to decide to give.

Another sin area that Josiah and I have talked about a lot is how we feel our life is on pause, and we just can't wait for it to start. As if an abundant life with Jesus Christ first needs the foundation of us being able to provide for ourselves a financially comfortable life. Then we can go from there. Being broke has shone me my criteria for happiness. "As soon as Josiah has a job, we pay all these people back that we owe, pay our own bills, and continue pursuing the comfort and pleasures that were on our list before all this happened." If that doesn't show the idols in my life I don't know what does.

Even after my eyes were opened to this sin in my life, I still couldn't let go of it. In fact, I just took a break in typing this to talk with Josiah and found myself in tears over our inability to get some things to make our place look better. "If we could just get this and this and this, it would be more organized, it would look more appealing, I would be more motivated because I am happy with my surroundings." Once again I am adding conditions to my happiness.

Our circumstances might make the suffering list by average American standards. But it definitely doesn't by the worlds standards. The other night Josiah and I were talking and he felt like this was just the beginning. The cost in our lives for following Jesus was only going to rise. That is what our endurance is being strengthened for. Although I have had this conclusion recently myself, fear welled up inside me because he confirmed it. And in that moment I wanted to run from my future. What is the cost going to be? losing more children? losing Josiah? I was feeling weak.

But my heart couldn't choose anything else. What a waste of time to choose the life that serves my desire for comfort and pleasure. Philippians 1:29 " For you have been given not only the privilege in trusting in Christ, but also the privilege of suffering for him." Privilege. This is not the picture that the American church paints of a walk with Christ. You pray this prayer, and read your bible. And you will be fulfilled. Which you will, but how are we equipping believers for the "privilege of suffering" for Christ and playing a significant role in his Kingdom, if we gloss over the suffering. The reality of the suffering. That God wont spare you from it. That you will have the temptation to give up, the pain, and all that goes with.

What if my life is not on pause? What if this is the beginning of the rest of my life? The path that God has chosen for me?

Those are the questions that I am being forced to come to grips with. Can I learn through my current circumstances to hold onto these opportunities for joy? I must resume my growth and motivation to push on, because my life was never paused, only my happiness. Because all the things it was built on came crashing down. And God is rebuilding my foundation to be rock solid in HIM and HIS purposes, not mine.

our 4th baby, second loss

We had our Ultrasound today and we found out today that the baby died. At first the nurse only saw the yolk sac and the uterus was even smaller than last week. So based on that she thought the egg never fertilized and there never was an actual baby. But she called the doctor in , which happened to be my doctor and she said that there would not be a yolk sac without an embryo, the baby died at 6 weeks. So because it could take my body up to 3 or 4 weeks to miscary i am going to take medication to make me misacrry within 48 hours. But i am not going to take it til prob monday.

Josiah hasn't been able to communicate his feelings much to me other than sadness and shock. I am actaully handling it much differently than before. I really dont feel like I have the emotional energy at this point to grieve as deeply as i did with Jasmine. Although I dont know what will come as this process moves forward. And from last wednesday when we found out that there might be a problem again, I was very angry, but the next day God asked me to hope instead of prepare for the worst, and ever since I have had peace, regardless of what happened. That peace even carried over into today when we got our news. I know God is still in control, and even though I am surprised that he thinks we can handle this on top of every thing else, He has got to have some purpose, and therefore I have no other choice to walk thru this to accomplish his purposes.

After the preganacy is officially over and my hormones are back to normal they will start a flurry of blood tests to determine what is wrong with my body, it could be something that is very common such as a blood disorder that clots and treats the baby like a clot, and kills it off. If that is the case then while trying to get pregnant again I would have to take baby tylonel every day to thin my blood, then once I am pregant give myself shots in the stomach every day till the birth. But if all the blood testing doesn't show anything, they will do genetic testing in me, then Josiah.

Telling Arwyn was really difficult, she doesnt understand death, and heaven, and why. But she understood that I was sad and that the baby "brother" she was so excited for was not coming after all. It broke our hearts to have that conversation.

Anyways wanted to let you know what was going on. Thank you for your prayers for us as we continue to walk thru this time of uncertainty and trials. Don't be afriad to call or talk with us about any of this if you want to, and we certainly want to know what's going on in your lives so we can rejoice or whatvere with you, regardless of what ours looks like. With Jasmine I needed space and privacy and i just recently started emerging from that. I dont feel like I need this time, I feel like I am swimming in Gods grace. So dont fear talking and asking and being involved in our lives any more than normal. Love you all,

Heidi for Josiah too

Update

So this afternoon I heard from the nurse that my blood levels did raise from 26000 to 39000. But as you see thats not doubled. When she asked the doctor, the doctor said that could be normal for this early in a pregancy. So I guess thats ok news. Five more days till wednesday...

Another Trial

It seems like we are facing trial after trial in our life right now. Although we believe that God has us here for a reason, we can't help but reach moments of impatience and discouragement. James 1:2-4 has been a good reminder, and right now that is all i am clinging onto.

We might be six weeks pregant. Might, because we thought we were 8 weeks pregnant until yesterday when we just about had a "deja vou". We went in for our ultrasound and I thought that the sac looked awfully small for 8 weeks. The nurse confirmed that it measured 6 weeks 1 day. So either we are about to lose another child, or its two weeks younger than they calculated. And they can't detect a heartbeat till 6 weeks 4 days. I go in for blood work on friday and we have another UT on wednesday. Until then we wait. Yesterday I really couldnt beleive it, after all that's going on in our life I didn't think this would go wrong. I felt my anger at bay, just waiting for the bad news to unleash it. But, today I feel like giving it a chance, and in the meantime I want to fill all my time up so the week flies by. So I decided to put the Baby Icon to the left on the blog, taking another step forward in hoping for our little one to be alive, instead of trying to prepare myself for the worst. And regardless of the outcome to let my friends and family in on our journey, at least more than last time.

Malachi's turn

 

I love this picture, thats a fly catching mouth;) By the way here we are spending our last few days at Sandra's house, a nice house very close to the mountains as you can see. A great big Yard with horses a barn, goats, chickens and lots of tractors parked all over the property. It was fun to explore!

Genola

 

 

Sandra's oldest two boys areTanner and Cody. Tanner was bouncing Arwyn on the trampoline, witch she LOVED. That escapade was the kind that is sSO wonderful when its time to stop its a huge meltdown.

 

Cody is very passionate about things, one of wich is "potato bugs" or rollie pollies, there are 6 in this picture.

 

This was a first for Arwyn! I got one picture where she looks like a contortionist.

Faces

My uncle Robert had 4 kids with his first wife, 3 daughters and a son. His second and third daughter were visited on this trip, Fawn and Sandra. The cutie below is Fawn's third son Jayden. and Robbie and me below, we went to see Narnia opening night after I put the kids down.

 

 

 

the hike cont. ( Utah)

 

Arwyn could find Dandelions in a snowstorm!

 

Robbie the oldest of Anne's kids is 25, single, likes long walks on the beach, and reciting poetry under the stars, He has an intellectual side but dont let that scare you he is very affectionate!:) (He is going to love me for this!)

 

 

The Hike (utah)

We took this easy stroll up to a beautiful waterfall and stream. Arwyn loves the FREEZING water and Robbie and Anne Marie (cousins) helped Carry Arwyn on the rough parts. It was fun! 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
In utah: My uncle Robert has 7 children with his second wife Anne. The youngest are 10 year old twins that LOVED Arwyn and Malachi from the get go. The kids loved playing with them, and now and then were overwhelmed with so much attetion as well. Here is Ada swinging arwyn.Having so many other people around you rarely get bored, and rarely have time for sibling rivalry, at the toddlers. Ada loved using our camera, (good thing Josiah wasn't there:) JK)she took this one.

Radiator Springs ( Utah)

 


Or what is normally known as Elko. The kids watch the movie CARS and this old town that has practically nothing in it out in the middle of the dessert, is what Josiah joked was the inspiration for Radiator Springs in the movie.

Snacks, Breaks and MOvies ( Utah part1)

 

 

 

That's what it stakes for two toddlers to make a road trip from California to Utah. Other than stopping 4 times in the first hour and half (because of potty breaks that were bluffs)we had smooth sailing. Right before we reached Elko, the town we were staying overnight in we saw an accident that just happened. A guy had rolled his pickup truck about 4 times. We stopped to check out the scene and make sure there wasn't any way that we could help, he seemed to be talking, but in bad shape. The police and Fire truck were on the way so we went on to our resting place, saying prayers for him along the way.