I have just spent the last couple of hours...detoxing on the net. I followed one friends blog to the next to the next, and so on. Virtually reconnecting with all my old college group buddies, what i commonly refer to as the "old skool first cov". Perusing reminded me of my life n the early early twenties, seems like centuries ago. And beyond the great times with friends, celebration, retreats etc. I believe my favorite part of my life then was my passionate pursuit of Christ. I have to admit I miss those days...
With each new stage of my life, dating J, marrying J, having babies with J, I struggle to find what that pursuit should look like. I have been told everything from "the together wife and mom gets all accomplished, raising godly children, nourishing a healthy marriage, exercise, cooking, cleaning, ministry at church, and most of all maintains a steady strong "quiet time" in the morning" to a new stage like raising kids would bring alternative ways to grow in Christ, in the daily battle/journey of this whole new world. The latter is more of a atypical view from an amazing family member of mine, the former the US church and many in it.
Each one I struggle with immensely, to be brutally honest I haven't picked up my bible in a few days, before that, a few days, before that a few weeks, maybe months. I long to sit and study, meditate, focus (whats that?), and be moved changed, renewed. But my logic tells me that my shadow in the past can't go into this realm of my journey. A new one has come. Currently its a sleepy, busy shadow.
As I turn my head to the side and look at pictures of my beautiful children on the wall, I smell sour breast milk on my shoulder from the youngest. I don't wish I were back in the college days, no not at all! But i do hope that this days shadow can venture a little deeper into the heart of My God than it has been in a little while...
Friday, February 09, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Friday, February 02, 2007
a bad day? a blessed day?
It all started when i had to run an errand last night and couldn't find my ATM card. We just got back from a trip to Mexico, so my mind was reeling with where i could have left it. This always makes me scared and stressed when i can't find it.
I wasn't in a good mood from how the morning had gone. I wont go into details. Then after Malachi's 4 mo. checkup i had to go grocery shopping and was nervous about how that would pan out with my two chilluns. So I headed back towards my house in a hurried state. So I could get it all done before the kids naps and before they unraveled. I made a yielded right turn on red light and thought i had plenty of time to go, cause the cross traffic just received a green. Before I even thought twice about it I turned, RIGHT IN FRONT OF A COP. He pulled me over for not stopping on a red. I was so nervous cause we registered our car back in Aug but DMV has still not sent us our sticker and receipt, even after we have called and checked on it. I opened the glove box to find the proof of insurance and could only find a ton of expired cards. BLESSING# 1 He dismissed the need to see the registration after I explained. Blessing #2 He said he believed that I had current insurance even though I couldn't find the card.
While he was taking forever to run all the info in his car, I broke down crying, so did my son and my daughter, amazing that they cared so much about my misfortune as well! I sat and pondered how much this ticket would be and what an inconvenience it would be to go to traffic school etc. My mood was set for the day.
I considered just going home, cause the tears remained at bay, loyal to show up whenever I needed them , and didn't need them. But I had to go to the store cause we were completely out of food, and having company over for dinner. God reminded me of something i read recently about putting "bad" days in perspective. And I new that even though I had many unfortunate events, I couldn't claim a "bad" day when He had so many blessing present in my life. I shouldn't be letting these things govern my mood and attitude. So on I battled with my lack of energy and a dam full of water behind my eyes. With a screaming son in the back of the cart and a defiant 19 mo old disobeying and saying "NO NO NO" as she did it, sitting in the front of the cart. Blessing #3 Seeing a mom park right next to me and her and her son coming over to greet us, just cause he wanted to. Blessing #4 the man at the checkout behind me pitching in $2 cause I had only brought cash in and came $2 over, before i had the chance to take something out of my bags. Blessing #5 the same mom loading her son and her groceries at the same time as me took my empty cart to the cart spot while i buckled arwyn in.
When i stop to think about it there were many other blessings present, but these 5 were uncommon and made me see that God was trying to cheer me up. The truth is these dang emotions are still at bay even though I have realized all this.
I wasn't in a good mood from how the morning had gone. I wont go into details. Then after Malachi's 4 mo. checkup i had to go grocery shopping and was nervous about how that would pan out with my two chilluns. So I headed back towards my house in a hurried state. So I could get it all done before the kids naps and before they unraveled. I made a yielded right turn on red light and thought i had plenty of time to go, cause the cross traffic just received a green. Before I even thought twice about it I turned, RIGHT IN FRONT OF A COP. He pulled me over for not stopping on a red. I was so nervous cause we registered our car back in Aug but DMV has still not sent us our sticker and receipt, even after we have called and checked on it. I opened the glove box to find the proof of insurance and could only find a ton of expired cards. BLESSING# 1 He dismissed the need to see the registration after I explained. Blessing #2 He said he believed that I had current insurance even though I couldn't find the card.
While he was taking forever to run all the info in his car, I broke down crying, so did my son and my daughter, amazing that they cared so much about my misfortune as well! I sat and pondered how much this ticket would be and what an inconvenience it would be to go to traffic school etc. My mood was set for the day.
I considered just going home, cause the tears remained at bay, loyal to show up whenever I needed them , and didn't need them. But I had to go to the store cause we were completely out of food, and having company over for dinner. God reminded me of something i read recently about putting "bad" days in perspective. And I new that even though I had many unfortunate events, I couldn't claim a "bad" day when He had so many blessing present in my life. I shouldn't be letting these things govern my mood and attitude. So on I battled with my lack of energy and a dam full of water behind my eyes. With a screaming son in the back of the cart and a defiant 19 mo old disobeying and saying "NO NO NO" as she did it, sitting in the front of the cart. Blessing #3 Seeing a mom park right next to me and her and her son coming over to greet us, just cause he wanted to. Blessing #4 the man at the checkout behind me pitching in $2 cause I had only brought cash in and came $2 over, before i had the chance to take something out of my bags. Blessing #5 the same mom loading her son and her groceries at the same time as me took my empty cart to the cart spot while i buckled arwyn in.
When i stop to think about it there were many other blessings present, but these 5 were uncommon and made me see that God was trying to cheer me up. The truth is these dang emotions are still at bay even though I have realized all this.
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