dont want to make lunch for the kids today? do this!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
I have a boy!
Lately I have been forced to see that I " i really do have a boy!". Malachi is discovering the joys of having longer arms and legs. HE IS CLIMBING EVERYTHING! Last week I looked back behind the couch to see what he was up to (cause Arwyn was cheering and clapping) and he had climbed up the barstool and was standing on it counting my money on the counter.
Lucky for me I have a newfound tattletale (which i still haven't decided how to handle that issue)and she came in while i was on the computer to tell me that chi chi was sitting on the table. i went to find this:
Now I know what your thinking, i just reinforced a BIG "no" by taking pictures of it. I know, in that moment I just had greater puropses in mind. And as a result i have already had to remove him from on top the table again today, and probably not the last time.
I think I am still in denial that my future consists of him climbing, falling, runnning, falling, diving, falling, jumping, falling, and falling , falling, falling, falling some more!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
a little yellow onesie
The lessons i am learning through grief feel like they come from boths sides of a fence. Some lessons are glorious. Like how deep God's love for me really is, how He truly is my only comforter and provider, how to love and appreciate my family more, even how to slow down and truly see people in my world that are hurting and act on that. Other lessons seem to be on a totally different spectrum. With the previous things mentioned I feel that my faith has reached new depths and I have sauntered down my path of becoming more like God a little faster. And yet it shocks me from the intense intimacy and spiritualness of these moments that I still am so sinful. I am also learning how lonely grief can be. Although its quite wonderful that God knows all my thoughts and my specific pain, a part of me still longs for a person to. And they can't. I know plenty of women have had miscarriages throughout history, but every journey with that child and giving up that child is so different and unique to each woman. It's been hard to reach the point where everyone is expecting that I am OK now. Its been long enough, other worlds have certainly continued to keep their usual crazy pace. But mine hasn't. it has its crazy moments, even days. But each day is usually paused at some point with thoughts of Jasmine, aching voids, uncontrollable loss and sadness. I had a moment the other night.
I was pricing some clothes I was selling at a friends garage sale this past Friday and Saturday. I was almost done. I had gotten through most of the clothes and I was finishing with a little stack of onesies. The last one was sitting on my lap when i looked down to grab it and it captured me. This little yellow onesie was so small. It's been so long since I have cuddled my own baby that was so little, vulnerable and needy. A year and half to be exact. In four more months that onesie would have been filled, probably a little baggy if she had followed in Arwyn and Malachi's footsteps. I would have been feeling her kick already, I would be 19 weeks this week. We would get to see her on the ultrasound next week, finding out for sure that she was a girl.
And the void grew, I will NEVER get to these things. They are lost. As the weeks pass by, my ache to hold her grows stronger and stronger. Time hasn't made it easier, yet. I see flashes of what, to me, she would have looked like, just like Malachi but a girl. Blond curly locks. Times as a family seem incomplete. She, at this point would still be inside me, but she would be here.
So many of my friends have experienced something like this. And then they have more kids. I am not sure that I want to now. And yet even people that have gone through this don't understand why I wouldn't. I don't expect people that have never had one to understand. But I do expect those that have had a miscarriage to, even tough they might have decided differently understand why I might not carry another baby. I really don't know how to explain it to others in a way that they will understand or be satisfied with where I am at. But I don't feel crazy to feel this way either. It is my journey and along this journey I have not had one moment, even in my most intimate times with God, that I felt peace about carrying another child.
I sat on the floor looking at the little yellow onesie and just cried.
A line in a song that my husband wrote when we lost her, "Jasmine lingers on the spring breeze ", she is lingering in my thoughts, my days, my heart, my life. And I am crippled, trying to discover my new life with loss in it.
Today, Arwyn held a toy in her arms like a baby and said "this is my baby sister"...
I was pricing some clothes I was selling at a friends garage sale this past Friday and Saturday. I was almost done. I had gotten through most of the clothes and I was finishing with a little stack of onesies. The last one was sitting on my lap when i looked down to grab it and it captured me. This little yellow onesie was so small. It's been so long since I have cuddled my own baby that was so little, vulnerable and needy. A year and half to be exact. In four more months that onesie would have been filled, probably a little baggy if she had followed in Arwyn and Malachi's footsteps. I would have been feeling her kick already, I would be 19 weeks this week. We would get to see her on the ultrasound next week, finding out for sure that she was a girl.
And the void grew, I will NEVER get to these things. They are lost. As the weeks pass by, my ache to hold her grows stronger and stronger. Time hasn't made it easier, yet. I see flashes of what, to me, she would have looked like, just like Malachi but a girl. Blond curly locks. Times as a family seem incomplete. She, at this point would still be inside me, but she would be here.
So many of my friends have experienced something like this. And then they have more kids. I am not sure that I want to now. And yet even people that have gone through this don't understand why I wouldn't. I don't expect people that have never had one to understand. But I do expect those that have had a miscarriage to, even tough they might have decided differently understand why I might not carry another baby. I really don't know how to explain it to others in a way that they will understand or be satisfied with where I am at. But I don't feel crazy to feel this way either. It is my journey and along this journey I have not had one moment, even in my most intimate times with God, that I felt peace about carrying another child.
I sat on the floor looking at the little yellow onesie and just cried.
A line in a song that my husband wrote when we lost her, "Jasmine lingers on the spring breeze ", she is lingering in my thoughts, my days, my heart, my life. And I am crippled, trying to discover my new life with loss in it.
Today, Arwyn held a toy in her arms like a baby and said "this is my baby sister"...
Sunday, April 20, 2008
arwynisms, malachiisms
i was changing her diaper when she gave a friendly reminder
A: Dont eat my poo poo
M: dont worry i wont
A: we only eat food kay mommy
M: ok thank you, i needed that
was she having flashbacks?
A:I have a BIG bomma (bottom)
M: who told you that?
(clearly not understanding my question...)
A: I will be this tall (stretching up her arms)
M: because you have a big bottom?
A: uh-huh
A: here is one little bump, and the other little bump (pointing to each cheek)
to which i couldnt invetsigate more, I just laughed "my bomma off"
at eating time malachi progresses from ways to request his food pretty quickly
"want it want it!"
"need it need it!"
"have some!"
"PLEASE!"
When I ask him a question his answer is always the same:
"Um..."
its like the help lines that say "hold for one minute while i connect you to somoene that can help you", then you wait for 5 minutes and get disconnected.
A: Dont eat my poo poo
M: dont worry i wont
A: we only eat food kay mommy
M: ok thank you, i needed that
was she having flashbacks?
A:I have a BIG bomma (bottom)
M: who told you that?
(clearly not understanding my question...)
A: I will be this tall (stretching up her arms)
M: because you have a big bottom?
A: uh-huh
A: here is one little bump, and the other little bump (pointing to each cheek)
to which i couldnt invetsigate more, I just laughed "my bomma off"
at eating time malachi progresses from ways to request his food pretty quickly
"want it want it!"
"need it need it!"
"have some!"
"PLEASE!"
When I ask him a question his answer is always the same:
"Um..."
its like the help lines that say "hold for one minute while i connect you to somoene that can help you", then you wait for 5 minutes and get disconnected.
My Church
Since the miscarriage I have had a hard time being in church on Sunday's and Tuesday's. I would much rather be alone in a coffee shop reading the bible and journaling. So Josiah gave me just that this morning. He took the kids to church and i went to "my church".
It was exactly what I needed. Instead of feeling like I was missing something or that it just didn't feel like Sunday, It felt so right for me. I wish I could have that more often in the week.
I journaled about jasmine and all the thoughts and feelings I have had about or because of her, in the last week and half. Then I read Matthew 5.
My prayer in the last few months has been that God would help me to fall so in love with Jesus. That being "a light on hill" wouldn't have to be an effort but just an outpouring of my relationship with him. I see how losing her was part of that answer. I have never clung to Jesus more than now. I have never been so intimate with Him, than now. and I have never wanted to know him more, than now. I have heard that saying so much. " if you pray for patience, God will give you something to be patient about, if you pray to be more loving, God will put unlovable people in your life, so you can practice....". I have found that true in this situation.
So in reading/memorizing Matthew 5,6,7, I came across a section that I was thinking more in depth on today at "my church".
6 verse 13
you are the salt of the earth. but what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? can you make it useful again? it will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.
If you think about table salt in this way, its true. so I(we) am the salt, what does losing my flavor mean? losing my effectiveness? losing my enthusiasm? losing my purpose? what does that look like as a follower of Christ?
It has to be something very serious, because it says that the salt cannot regain its flavor, it is thrown out, worthless.
I used to think that the passage meant losing my saltiness was just not being a good enough example of God's love to the world. But that is something that can improve, grow. That is not what it's talking about.
What does this mean?
It was exactly what I needed. Instead of feeling like I was missing something or that it just didn't feel like Sunday, It felt so right for me. I wish I could have that more often in the week.
I journaled about jasmine and all the thoughts and feelings I have had about or because of her, in the last week and half. Then I read Matthew 5.
My prayer in the last few months has been that God would help me to fall so in love with Jesus. That being "a light on hill" wouldn't have to be an effort but just an outpouring of my relationship with him. I see how losing her was part of that answer. I have never clung to Jesus more than now. I have never been so intimate with Him, than now. and I have never wanted to know him more, than now. I have heard that saying so much. " if you pray for patience, God will give you something to be patient about, if you pray to be more loving, God will put unlovable people in your life, so you can practice....". I have found that true in this situation.
So in reading/memorizing Matthew 5,6,7, I came across a section that I was thinking more in depth on today at "my church".
6 verse 13
you are the salt of the earth. but what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? can you make it useful again? it will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.
If you think about table salt in this way, its true. so I(we) am the salt, what does losing my flavor mean? losing my effectiveness? losing my enthusiasm? losing my purpose? what does that look like as a follower of Christ?
It has to be something very serious, because it says that the salt cannot regain its flavor, it is thrown out, worthless.
I used to think that the passage meant losing my saltiness was just not being a good enough example of God's love to the world. But that is something that can improve, grow. That is not what it's talking about.
What does this mean?
Saturday, April 19, 2008
tutu improved
so i didnt have enough tool on the waist line to make up for gaps when the elastic was stretched around her cute little full belly and tummy, s added more, i found even cheaper tool at walmart and even better(according to A), it is PINK and sparkly!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
dont you hate when...
the chair is too small to crawl under?!
to which he yells,
"STUCK!"
your bra is too big!?
Thursday, April 03, 2008
A look into my song
So many times people say "this song means so much to me " but fail to say why. Here I am unpacking the song that has gripped me lately:
Mighty to save- by Hillsong
"Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations"
To me this represents my future and the driving passion of it. God has given me not only a desire to see hurting people know Him, but people all over the world. He has given me some cross cultural gifts, and how he has molded me best fits this future on another continent. The way that this portion of the song is worded is what resounds in my heart and what has kept this dream alive so long, and will continue to encourage and move me forward in the difficult times.
"Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave"
These words are the present for me. We had a third child. Two and half weeks ago we lost her. God gave me peace that the baby was a girl and we named her Jasmine. She would have been born the day before Malachi's second birthday. She would have been my second daughter. She was my third child. And though the waves of grief continue to role over me, I have hope. I will see her someday. When my journey here is through I will be reunited with her. But if Jesus hadn't "conquered the grave" by dying on the Cross, THEN raising to life, I wouldn't have that hope. How could God be all powerful, and well, God, if he couldn't defy even death? And because I have surrendered my life and my will to Him I will defy death too, and my precious baby has. Because He conquered the grave, I will see my little girl. Even though I miss out on a lifetime of love and memories, of knowing her, We will have eternity together.
"So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender"
This is my present and future. I am not perfect, nor will I be till I am in heaven. And I need God to take me with those imperfections and use me however He chooses. I also need him to meet me in those fears and failures. I have fears? I get asked this most often regarding our future overseas. Yes. I fear that I will not have what it takes to do what we are doing. I fear that in that I will be holding my husband back from what I know he can and was meant to do. I fear that my parents will die while I am thousands of miles away. I fear that my kids will not get the relationship that they would have with them than if we stayed in the states. I fear being persecuted. I fear my children being persecuted. I fear failure. I fear the change and loss of friendships here. And these are just my fears regarding my future.
But it is everything i believe in. So Christ in me drives me on to push through/with these fears, because if I didn't, this life I am giving up would be no life at all if I chose the safe, self indulgent way. Which leads to my biggest fear, my life being meaningless. And I have to surrender these fears, sometimes daily. I love that God meets me where I am at. He doesn't require MORE faith, MORE strength, just me wherever I am at.And He provides what I am lacking
"Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus"
and just recently this part is meaningful cause my "AHA" moment went from " it's not about me" to " it's only about His Glory".
Mighty to save- by Hillsong
"Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations"
To me this represents my future and the driving passion of it. God has given me not only a desire to see hurting people know Him, but people all over the world. He has given me some cross cultural gifts, and how he has molded me best fits this future on another continent. The way that this portion of the song is worded is what resounds in my heart and what has kept this dream alive so long, and will continue to encourage and move me forward in the difficult times.
"Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave"
These words are the present for me. We had a third child. Two and half weeks ago we lost her. God gave me peace that the baby was a girl and we named her Jasmine. She would have been born the day before Malachi's second birthday. She would have been my second daughter. She was my third child. And though the waves of grief continue to role over me, I have hope. I will see her someday. When my journey here is through I will be reunited with her. But if Jesus hadn't "conquered the grave" by dying on the Cross, THEN raising to life, I wouldn't have that hope. How could God be all powerful, and well, God, if he couldn't defy even death? And because I have surrendered my life and my will to Him I will defy death too, and my precious baby has. Because He conquered the grave, I will see my little girl. Even though I miss out on a lifetime of love and memories, of knowing her, We will have eternity together.
"So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender"
This is my present and future. I am not perfect, nor will I be till I am in heaven. And I need God to take me with those imperfections and use me however He chooses. I also need him to meet me in those fears and failures. I have fears? I get asked this most often regarding our future overseas. Yes. I fear that I will not have what it takes to do what we are doing. I fear that in that I will be holding my husband back from what I know he can and was meant to do. I fear that my parents will die while I am thousands of miles away. I fear that my kids will not get the relationship that they would have with them than if we stayed in the states. I fear being persecuted. I fear my children being persecuted. I fear failure. I fear the change and loss of friendships here. And these are just my fears regarding my future.
But it is everything i believe in. So Christ in me drives me on to push through/with these fears, because if I didn't, this life I am giving up would be no life at all if I chose the safe, self indulgent way. Which leads to my biggest fear, my life being meaningless. And I have to surrender these fears, sometimes daily. I love that God meets me where I am at. He doesn't require MORE faith, MORE strength, just me wherever I am at.And He provides what I am lacking
"Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus"
and just recently this part is meaningful cause my "AHA" moment went from " it's not about me" to " it's only about His Glory".
TRICK
so i got wax all over our new couch the other night. i Googled "how to get wax off the couch" and i found this remedy:
put a piece of brown paper bag over the spot and then put a hot iron on top of that, the paper will absorb all the wax, if you need to soak up more, get a new piece of paper and do it till this is all gone."
It totally worked!!!
anyone know how to get crayon out of non-treated wood?
put a piece of brown paper bag over the spot and then put a hot iron on top of that, the paper will absorb all the wax, if you need to soak up more, get a new piece of paper and do it till this is all gone."
It totally worked!!!
anyone know how to get crayon out of non-treated wood?
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
What does this mean to you?
Love may forgive all infirmities
and love still in spite of them:
but love cannot cease to will there removal.- C.S. Lewis
and love still in spite of them:
but love cannot cease to will there removal.- C.S. Lewis
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Rabbit, Rabbit
this is what my husband's family says/emails to eachother on the first of the month. The goal is to be the first one to get it to everyone. this month i will add "APRIL FOOLS!"
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